Blah, blah, blah. . .

Sweet little cherub

2010-07-10T10:59:00.000-07:00

My girlie lets me take pictures very rarely as she's learned to be a diva with a momarazi (yes, that's my term). She's my favorite subject and the hardest sometimes to capture.

Twilight shadows

2009-12-14T17:23:00.000-08:00

Such a pretty sunset I had to share. I loved the colors in the sky and the way the branches were backlit.

I'm picking up something new

2009-12-13T17:06:00.000-08:00

I purchased a Nikkon d40 DSLR camera last summer. My major is communications and photography wasn't someting I had attempted in the many years that I have been studying journalism. It's a huge part of media and I figured it was time to learn.

Let me just say I've been having a blast! My daughter is tired of me taking her picture although at time she voluntarily poses for me. I'm getting ready to purchase two umbrella studio lights. I'm hoping to make a profitable hobby of it.

At any rate, I will be posting photos from time to time. Obviously only the ones I'm really proud of but nevertheless, I'd love to hear your thoughts!

It's in the air

2009-08-21T14:06:00.000-07:00

I went to pick up my books for the Fall semester and since I'm an online student, it's one of the few times I will be visiting campus. Turns out, I was there the same day they were hosting orientation for new students. The excitement, anticipation and the feeling of the newness of the school year was palpatable. I had forgotten just how refreshing a new school year could be. It was a necessary reality check. I love to learn but for some reason I was just not as geared up as I always get at the prospect of new supplies and knowing that I would end the semester just a tad bit smarter than I started.

Yucky guy

2009-08-11T10:54:00.000-07:00

I was on my way back to work from a frantic lunch of shopping as I passed a church sign that said, "Beware of the high cost of low living." Of course the meaning speaks for itself. There's not much need to expound but I decided to share my little spin on it. You definitely won't see this on a church sign. . .well, maybe. Here it is: Being skeezy ain't easy.

There are a few people that I know that love the bar life. They love chasing skirt and casual encounters are nothing. They have no one to answer to, regardless of who they hurt in the process, which is typically themselves. Every day is surreal. It's a haze. Their minds are so inundated with alcohol and promiscuity they can't even function. They live to go to the same place every night, look at the same people and drink enormous amounts of alcohol.

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy going out from time to time. I enjoy a nice dirty martini or glass of wine, but my life is so much fuller for having relationships rather than acquaintances and being able to remember the things that I experience without the effects of a hangover to hinder.

I'm not saying that everyone who hangs out at a bar is that type of person either but life is not always one big party. There are things that need to be cultivated to ensure that your latter years will truly be golden. I hope that these people that I know don't wake up one day and they're 35 years old with nothing show for it but an unimpressive long list of sexual partners and liver disease due to years of intoxicating themselves.

So you get all this because of a single sign that I saw on the way back to work from lunch. Imagine what happens when I read a paragraph.

Ahhhh, love. . .

2009-08-07T14:14:00.000-07:00

So I'm over my PMS/Menstrual rage and I've run across some notes I jotted down a few weeks ago. I tend to get thoughts and inspiration in waves. In this case, they came to me while driving to lunch with my honey. I was thinking about how much different and special this relationship is in comparison to anything I had previously. There were so many things that I now have that I did not before and the irony is, I didn't even know what I was missing. Here's what those messy "driving while writing" notes said:

Love endures.

Love allows for mistakes. (And, as it turns out, cranky days when your hormones are uncontrollable.)

BUT love does not cause damage.

Love means accepting a person just as they are but refusing to accept inappropriate behavior.

Love is holding someone accountable to do what's right according to God.

Love is an intimacy, another gift, that is given by God and we must handle it with care, just as our salvation.

Beyond falling in love, when our brains go all wonky, it is a choice to love someone. It is a promise and it takes work.

Love is having the safety to express any emotion you may feel and knowing that it will be handled with the utmost care.

So those are the things that decided to find their way into my head that day. I realize that this all can be found in Corinthians but this was a personal revelation to me. I love when that happens. It makes you realize just how blessed you truly are.

Ugh

2009-08-04T08:03:00.000-07:00

It’s just another ordinary day with ordinary routines, schedules with the aches and pains that go along with it. I’m tired and very cranky. Being a woman sucks on some days. For the most part, my life is very blessed and I’m happy to be alive with a job, a wonderful fiancé and a beautiful daughter . . . but on days that I think my uterus may fall out, I’m a little peeved. I’m sorry if this is too much information for some, but for me and every other woman on the face of the earth, it is a very real and hateful reality. Your hormones wreak havoc on your every emotion, thought, desire, and hunger pang and all you can think about is crawling onto the couch with a good book, soft pillow and warm blanket and hide out from the world. Ah, but no. I’m here at work listening to other people’s gripes and complaints all the while thinking, “Whatever buddy. When you feel like someone is stabbing you repeatedly in the lower abdomen then we’ll talk but until then, you and your water bill are simply a minor problem that I really don’t give a jack about. Have a nice day.”

The other negative side to this whole situation is the fact that any time something is said that sounds even remotely like a negative; the tears come or anger flairs and it’s completely irrational and uncontrollable. It ain’t pretty. A beautiful, mild mannered woman can turn into a raving lunatic with hair standing on end and spittle flying and there’s no stopping it. I can say I’m not that bad but I can become basket case for a few days out of the month and I hate it. I hate being the victim of nature and taking out the frustration on the people I love. Adam only thought he was being punished by having to die but that’s not the case. He was being punished by Eve’s mood swings (and the removal of God’s constant fellowship but that’s only a side note in this rant). Death was a release from that imprisonment. Go figure. So not only does a woman suffer the physical side effects, but everyone in their path suffers some type of emotional stress if not physical disfigurement. Thanks to Eve and that damned serpent, we become moronic every 28 days.

Mmmmmmm. . .cupcakes.

A fictional piece

2009-06-16T12:27:00.000-07:00

***To be absolutely clear, this is a fictional piece that bubbled it's way out of my head. I just wanted to put it up here so that I could gauge a response. So let me know if you like it or have any ideas.

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what events brought me to this point. As I stood holding a gun, trembling, pointing the barrel squarely at his head as he slept, my palms were sweaty and an ice cold bead of perspiration drew a slimy line down my spine, like a slug in the dead of winter. Years of torment, berating and abuse both physical, emotion and sexual welled up inside of me. I was tired of being the victim. I wanted him to feel the burn of embarrassment and the cold hand of rejection slap him upside the head. He would certainly feel that if the butt of the gun came down on his skull. I wouldn’t kill him. I couldn’t. If I did, I would be no better than he. I would only maim him so he would have to live with his ugliness on the outside. I turned the gun and rammed the butt into his cheekbone. His face cracked.

Four years earlier, Charlie and I were married in a shotgun wedding of sorts. I barreled toward a toxic relationship with a relief that I would be out from under an overbearing and manipulative mother without regard to the horrors that I opened myself to by trusting a man who resorted quickly to manhandling and name calling when his way was not granted. His insecurity and complete lack of care for my feelings was a small price to pay to escape a tyrannical Ice Queen who took out the anger of her own childhood abuse on the children she claimed to love. She had hollowed out her husband, my father, into a ghost of a man and created another child, my sister, who eyed everything with jealousy and hateful disdain. I was left feeling utterly alone and unloved. Any attention was better than nothing and moving out into a place of my own with no one to answer to sounded wonderful. It wasn’t long before a steel-toed boot shattered that wistful dream.

Stick it in your ear

2009-06-10T20:02:00.001-07:00

I realized today that during the course of my lifetime I have taken a lot of crap off of people. I didn't start out this way but eventually I grew complacent and non-confrontational. I still attempt to pick my battles wisely and I chalk a lot of behavior up to people's motivation and past but it's gotten to the point that I've had enough.

Choosing to be happy is not selfishness. Making decisions based on what makes me happy is healthy. However, some people make life decisions based on what someone else says they should do, what would make someone else happy and claim that others are selfish for not making them the priority. Now, I ask you, does that even make sense? The answer for the slow kids in the class would be NO!

I went the opposite direction. I made bad decisions based on the fact that it would open a door for escape and really miff some people. But now I say forget that mess! My decisions now are based solely on what is best for my health, happiness and well-being because if I'm happy I have a solid basis to raise my daughter as a happy and productive member of society. That is my ultimate goal.

Love is never truly understood until it is spoken in our language and God places those certain people in our lives to show us through them how much He loves us. My angel speaks it to me on a daily basis, with slobbery kisses and a tiny head lock. She provides endless hours of entertainment and amusement. My fiance shows me what love is by going out of his way to ensure my happiness. He is my sounding board, my support and my comfort.

This is my life and these are my decisions. Deal with it or take your toxicity elsewhere. I am unbelievably blessed and quite frankly, I don't care who likes it or doesn't. I didn't know it could be this good.

Humble Me

2009-02-17T06:19:00.000-08:00

Understanding love is a never ending process. It grows day to day and it's the subject of many songs, stories, books, and movies. As of late, I have truly come to understand how love fits into everything.

I was on my way to work this morning listening to Norah Jones, Humble Me. It reminded me a lot of my previous marriage. At this point, I have found a love that it true and normal compared to the abnormal to which I have been consistently exposed. As I listened I began to wonder: Are we exposed to people who show us what love is not just so that we're open to what love should be?

I suppose we appreciate it more when it comes our way if our experience hasn't been all butterflies and rainbows. Truly, if it were already that, would we need to ever leave our first loves? And how does God fit into all this?

Obviously, God committed the ultimate act of love by sacrificing His Son. I suppose we truly do not know love until we are able to embrace God's love for us. Even after salvation, that tends to be hard to comprehend. We lose sight of Him and thereby become the self-centered creatures that we tend to be.

As with anything, I believe He gives us specific relationships and experiences for a reason and a season. We are forever learning and growing but to really start the process, we have to trust Him.

Where is your heart?

2009-02-07T06:20:00.001-08:00

On my way to work the other morning, I was listening to the local Contemporary Christian station, and I heard the DJ ask a question that as a Christian I have heard over and over again but today it took on a whole new meaning: Does God have your heart?

I am a born-again Christian and I have been since I was a young girl. My faith has carried me through some of the most difficult times of my life. Without it, I would have been a much bigger mess than I was. So when the question was asked, I knew without a doubt that He has my heart but I began to understand it in a different way.

When you give someone your heart, when you fall in love, everything is devoted to the other person. Your time, your energy and your every thought is given to the other person. It is the same with God. He wants His love for me to be requieted. It's not hard to feel overwhelming appreciation for the gift of eternal life but it is harder to remain in love with God because we are selfish creatures. Like any relationship, on our part, it takes work to maintain that relationship. God is always there, regardless, and now, because of the people He has placed in my life, I can understand exactly what He wants from me. It's the same as the desires I have for those people and the love I desire from them that God wants from me. And just like those relationships, I can't make them love me, God is in the same position. But He never gives up.

His love for me is astounding. What's even more, He feels the same about you. It's such an overwhelming idea. It's so big that none of us will ever understand. Those of us who accept His love are so fortunate. So what about you? Have you given your heart to God? He's given you His.

Grrrrr!

2009-02-02T10:49:00.000-08:00

I am steeped in class work for the Spring semester. One of the classes that I am taking is Adobe Photoshop. I am enjoying the techniques that I am learning but I am having an extremely difficult time being creative with my first assignment. We are to create a photo collage merging three different images into one creative photo. I just can't seem to get it together. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

On top of all of this, I have discovered that anytime I develop upper respiratory infections, my mouth decides to break out into ulcers. Always a blast when you can't eat, especially when you're as thin as I am. I also get very irritable when I haven't been sufficiently nourished so I can't express how much fun I am to be around right now. Everything that typically annoys me has been heightened to the point of nails on a chalk board. Ultimately, my coworkers are just watching me sulk at my desk and, thankfully, seeming to avoid all of my obnoxious explanations of seemingly innocent questions. At least, I hope so.

So, needless to say, all I really want to do at this point is go home and read Eclipse, the third book in the Twilight series. Yes, I am addicted. I want to make out with a vampire. That sounds like the best alternative for a day like today. I hope he doesn't mind mouth ulcers.

A new day, a new hope

2009-01-20T10:51:00.000-08:00

He has been inagurated and now the work starts, well, the work starts after the ten balls that he has to attend today. Poor guy will be dead dog tired after all the hoopla. If I were him, I'd be tempted to take off the first day on the new job!

But all that aside, I am so excited to see what this day will bring in the next four years. Living in this area and being a Christian, I've experienced all types of judgement and differences of opinions and I've learned that there are some people that you just can't have a discussion with. Many people believe that the reason behind discussion is to argue. I believe it is to present different ideas and possibly change someone's mind. I never set out to change someone else's mind. I do believe that he has been placed in office for such a time as this. God didn't fall asleep when he was elected nor did he neglect the polls. God's is the only vote that counts. There are several misconceptions circulating about Obama's views and what he stands for but if proper research is done, proof of these misconceptions is found, especially on the moral issues.

At any rate, there is a new president. There are new possiblities. Bush did with what he had available to him and, just like any other president, experienced ups and downs during his administration. Obama will face the same.

I am ready to see what Obama can do.

It's been decided

2009-01-13T11:28:00.001-08:00

I have the cutest kid EVER! I love her so much and thank God every day for her. She teaches me so much and makes me smile every day!

And kids really do say the darndest things. Among my favorites:
Have you lost my mind?
I love you this much!
Everybody loves me.

This is why I call her my Angel Butt!

The lessons in chick flicks

2009-01-12T06:27:00.001-08:00

We went and saw Bride Wars last night. . .I won! As it turns out, Anne Hathaway's character has a huge dance scene which according to him made the whole movie worth it and, okay, I have to admit, she is really pretty and she can also dance. But on the way home he told me that he was happy to have seen it because he learned something. I didn't believe him at first but he was really sincere. Unfortunately, I can't really give too much detail because I don't want to give anything away because it's a super cute movie.

It just goes to show that if you allow yourself to be open and receptive to different experiences you will learn something. Life is all about living. Profound statement, right? If you don't allow yourself to experience new things then you will never fully understand just how special life truly is. I've learned a whole lot just in the last year because I have allowed myself to learn and I've opened my heart and my mind to people that I wouldn't have in the past. I haven't lost my core beliefs but I have learned how to better relate to people.

So class, what have we learned here today? That chick flicks, as goofy and as pointless as they sometimes may be, can still teach you a few things. Oh, and Anne Hathaway can dance.

It's so not fair

2009-01-11T14:55:00.000-08:00

Why don't guys ever just indulge a girl and take her to see the stupid, sappy chick flicks? We sit through countless hours of football, basketball, action movies. . .JUST TAKE ME TO SEE BRIDE WARS!!!!!!

Okay, I feel better.

In with the new

2009-01-07T11:01:00.000-08:00

With the new year and the return of routine (yay!), I have found focus and a renewed sense of purpose. It's so cliche to have resolutions but everybody's doing it and, yes, I would jump off a bridge if everyone did that, too.

I am ashamed to say that through the holiday season I didn't attend church. The whole month of December went by in a blur and I didn't go at all. Not even Christmas Eve saw my little behind planted where it should have been. The first Sunday of 2009 gave me a different view. I went and our pastor spoke on setting proper priorities. Geez. I get it! There's no balance for me. My foundation was shaken and I need to find my footing.

I've always been notoriously tunnel-visioned. I go beyond focus to a blinder's view of what I want to do and what I want to have happen and only begrudgingly tackle tasks that have to be done. I'm learning to be patient (but I don't wanna!) and I'm learning that God holds things for us in His perfect time. I've always known that but I've never put it into practice. I can honestly say that I am content with the way things are. I'm leveling out and I'm reframing my life around the things that are proper priorities.

Another year gone

2009-01-02T11:04:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've posted a blog, as my friend Kim has so helpfully pointed out. . .Thank you, Kim. . .and has also offered some topic ideas when I said I had writer's block. . .again, Thank you, Kim.

One of her suggestions was a look back over the year, as it has been quite a dramatic one for me and my daughter. Through a divorce, a reforming of routine, dating (eeesh), and learning to finance a Christmas on a shoestring, I've learned a ton about myself and how much I truly am blessed. I always knew it but I had always felt as though I was missing out on something. I felt stuck.

Rewind to New Year's Eve 2008, I was sitting on my couch by myself watching the ball drop while my little angel butt slept in the next room. There was no inkling that I would be where I am today. I knew things were bad and I was quite miserable but I was determined to change it. Two weeks later, my daughter and I were living with my mother. I felt I had lost at the American Dream. My life had fallen into shambles and I didn't know how to fix it.

This year I spent New Year's Eve with a man that I can safely call my kindred spirit. This relationship has been 10 years in the making but it was certainly worth the wait. All the experiences I have had in the last few years have led me to a place of understanding. I will never completely understand what motivates people to make choices they make or why I am so compeled to fix everything but I do know this: All things work for the good of those who love the Lord. I do certainly love my God and my faith is the only thing that has kept me thus far.

They say you should never look back in order to move forward but I completely disagree. The only way to really appreciate where you are is to look at where you've been. Remembering the dark times makes the future all that much brighter with possiblity. So here's to 2009. May the music be good, the food be edible, and the love be stronger than ever before.

Why must faith and politics conflict?

2008-11-20T11:26:00.000-08:00

With all the hoopla over whether or not Obama was a muslim, christian or whatever, I have been divided on the issue until now. I wish this article had come out before the election to explain to all of my fundamentalist friends (don't get me wrong, I am a fundamentalist but I attempt to collect the facts prior to making a decision) why Obama is not definitively the anti-Christ. I hope that you will read this article with an open mind and push religion out the door. There's one thing we all agree that you must believe in order to be a Christian and that is salvation through the saving blood of Christ. Enjoy!

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The power of love (no Celine, not the song)

2008-11-11T11:10:00.000-08:00

I was reading a blog sent to me by my friend Kim. The blog was authored by a couple who discovered that one of them had cancer. She has since passed away and he continues to write about his struggles. I read an entry today that brought me to tears and I've drawn some conclusions based on what he said and my experiences.

Love is such a strange thing. Real love suffers through diversity. It amazes me how strong love can make people and how much people can endure for the sake of love. People become blinded by it (not always a good thing) and they become strengthened by it. Regardless of the type of relationship, whether it is good or bad, love builds a person into who they are meant to be.

If you get a chance, stop by his blog at http://lyonsfamily.org/. The power of love is overwhelming and few of us are lucky enough to experience it.

A decree

2008-10-30T07:46:00.000-07:00

I’m having writer’s block. Don't worry, I'm not going to go all Margaret Cho and try to alleviate my writer's block by claiming my nether regions are haunted (disgusting really). I usually write a lot but when I have an outlet, someone to talk to, these things don’t come as easily. I did sit down the other night to just freely write whatever popped into my head and I love doing that because it’s then, out of nowhere, that these thoughts and words come out that I didn’t know were hiding in the old noggin.

Every once in a while, it’s good to just let every fear, every anxiety, come out through the pen. I don’t like to use the keyboard when I do this kind of writing just good old-fashioned pen to paper because it seems so fundamental, so natural, that way. I’ve noticed, too, that I really only write when I am feeling overwhelmed by a circumstance or I am trying to analyze a situation (which I do a whole lot of). I don’t really write much when things are going well.

Writing for me is a lot like praying. A lot of us only pray when everything seems to be going wrong and we forget God when things are going well. I am so guilty of this, especially as of late. Things have been going really well for me and I’m not leaning on Him as much as I usually do. That’s not a good thing and I must say I’m not proud of it. So I’m issuing a decree. . .it’s a personal one, obviously, but I am going to start focusing on God again. Things always make so much more sense when I am where I’m supposed to be. It’s faith that has gotten me through so many things and made me a conqueror of circumstances that I could have never stood through on my own. If I don’t build on that foundation now, when things are awesome, then I’ll have nothing to stand on when things fall apart, which they will because that is the cycle of life.

Ring around the rosies

2008-10-21T08:10:00.001-07:00

I have always hated love songs but it was because I never really, completely understood what they were all about. But now they've begun to make sense. I know...cheesy. A few blogs ago, I declared my desire to find earth shattering romantical kind of love. It's something that I had never experienced before but now I think I'm on the right path.

There's John.

I've loved people but never fallen in love. There's a difference and I didn't know that until I found John. I feel like I'm on a high but completely grounded all at the same time. I've never been more focused or more content. I read an article the other day that basically said that people who have found their mates, intially go all stupid and forgetful (that was sooo us for the first month or two). All they see is the other person and all other responsibilites fall to the wayside but once they settle into a routine things become comfortable and they become very productive. That is definitely true, well at least I think so.

Where my girls at?

2008-10-17T07:39:00.000-07:00

I'm not what one would call a feminist by any means, but I am convinced that in a professional setting, I should be held to the same standard. . .without having to dress like a man. No power suits, please. Since I've gone back to school, I’ve been doing a lot of research with a focus on discrimination of women in journalism. It’s caused me to really question a lot of the standards that society has placed on women in the workforce and the role of the woman on the home front. Duh, that’s kind of the point of the project but anyway, I am having a hard time reconciling our places in society and our places in the home.

The second wave of the women's movement in the 70s told us that we can have it all, career and family but if we’re expected to be wife, mom, and professional, then why wouldn’t those same standards are placed on men (in the male terms, obviously)? Why do women have to place their careers on hold in order to raise the family?

At any rate, personally, I believe that a man should be the head of the household and should reign with love and consideration for his family, I am one of the dying few. But I also want to know that when I walk into a job interview, that my skills and qualities are what the employer will be looking for, not whether or not I have testosterone coursing through my body. But that also means duality in child rearing and chores and bill paying. Where is the balance? Is it even possible to find a balance? What do you think?

I ain't crazy!

2008-10-08T10:38:00.000-07:00

I have started to psycho analyze myself which is never a good thing. For reasons that I can never fully explain to anyone, I have been having some anxiety attacks and they really aren't that pretty. What's odd is that I have been removed from the situation that has sparked these reactions for several months. I suppose it is the added stress of going back to school, being a single parent (with a lot of support from family and friends), major changes at work and cultivating a new romantic relationship (which should take a lot of work but oddly enough, it really has come entirely too easy).

While a lot of this is good stress, it is still hard to understand why I have reacted in such a way to certain things. I realize that no harm could have come to me in those instances but I still had an unexplainable panic. I suppose it was the inability to control the situation. You become helpless and you freeze.

It helps that someone very close to me has an anxiety disorder and can completely understand. Although mine has just reared it's ugly head, his has been ongoing for several years and has hindered him from fully enjoying life. Things he was once able to do, he can no longer participate in for fear of having an attack. While I hope that his gets better, I'm praying that mine doesn't become a full blown anxiety disorder. I suppose the only thing for me to do is continue to lean on God and rely on faith that He will see us both through.

Someday my prince will come. . .

2008-09-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

The divorce is final and I’ve re-entered the world of dating. Yikes. But the transition has been nearly painless as the guy I’m seeing is awesome. We’re reaching the point that most people begin thinking about the, “Where is this going?” conversation. We haven’t had to have that conversation. It was an instant connection. . .and it helps that I went to high school with him so I already knew him, kinda.

Anyway, he’s been great. It’s been truly different than anything I’ve ever experienced. He is honest, forthright, kind and has gone completely out of his way to court me. That is something I have never experienced. I feel adored which is nice because most guys just want you to be flattered that they asked for your number. Give me a break. I don’t want someone whose ego is bigger than their heart. I’ve had enough of that, thank you very much. But the other day, he and I had our first real disagreement. The reasons are moot but I do want to say that it was kind of a shock. I’m not used to the quiet discussion when feelings are hurt, more the loud outrage that is accompanied by the throwing of innocent inanimate objects and destruction of property, so this was new, and honestly, a welcome change.

The issue has been resolved but ultimately, as much as I am still the smitten kitten, it left me with this thought: Dang it! He’s human. A real Prince Charming must not exist. . .but on the other hand, I am no Cinderella, either. Even on my best day, I could never live up to the standard that I place on myself so why would I expect the same from anyone else? In a world that is so cynical and quick to dismiss anything less than an idealized version of perfection, I have to say, I’m still happy with my prince who has a slightly tilted crown. I just hope he’s as happy with a Cinderella who can’t get the birds to chirp just so. . .or sew a dress for that matter!

Chivalry is dead

2008-08-21T18:49:00.001-07:00

There was a nice little shower today at quitting time. Yes. God waits until I have to drive home to unleash holy terror in the form of water from the heavens, i.e. rain. But Kim and I are standing under the awning at work just looking at the rain when a male co-worker (who shall remain nameless) comes outside. He watches Kim and I run through the rain to our cars. I am now sitting in the driver’s seat soaking wet and my cell phone begins to ring. It’s Kim, who has made it to her car, albeit with wet cleavage (thank you, Kim, for feeling the need to share), telling me to turn around and have a look. What I see is rather irritating and only proves that society is going to hell in a hand basket. This male co-worker who has just watched us run through the rain has busted out an umbrella and is strolling casually to his car. And they say chivalry is dead. . .

There was, once upon a time, this courtesy that men showed women. I guess it all died with women’s lib. I suppose I have a very traditional view of the roles that men and women play. There are obviously differences between the sexes. While I am mentally capable of handling any job a man can, there are some things that I am not physically able to accomplish. We are all entitled the same rights and levels of respect, but let‘s face it, we have different things to offer.

Upon entering the dating world, I have seen a lot of this first hand. Usually the ones worth keeping still have these common courtesies still in tact. In other words, they‘ve been raised right. Those who don’t. . .well let’s just say that their rears met the curb. If you can’t begin a relationship with the small stuff, then the big stuff is going to be even more of a hindrance. Ultimately, all good relationships, romantic or otherwise, start with at least a tiny bit of common courtesy. Here’s an idea: next time you see someone who will get drenched by a monsoon and you have an umbrella, offer to walk them to their car. It’s a tiny deposit into the bank of respect that will go a long way. I know, that was cheesy, but true.

Say what you need to say

2008-08-17T20:50:00.000-07:00

I have found myself, with all my little trust issues, opening up. Yikes! I am still waiting for a pang of disappointment, which at this point is a totally unfounded worry and due in large part to personal insecurity. I don’t want to be taken advantage of but I also don’t want to miss out on something great because of fear. We all do that, I suppose. Let fear keep us from doing or saying what we want. It’s healthy to fear a consequence and we shouldn’t go off all willy nilly to accomplish something that will ultimately hurt us, but we shouldn’t allow the fear of rejection or isolation prevent us from even the slightest possibility of obtaining what we desire.

I have also learned that the possibility of things actually being taken at face value can actually happen. Yes, I know it’s crazy but it’s true and very rare. However, being completely honest for the purpose of making your feelings known (good, bad or indifferent) also presents the risk of being perceived as selfish. I have to say that other’s perceptions usually do not stop me from sharing what I feel compelled to share. If things go unsaid, then there is always that “what if” factor that just makes me uncomfortable. It is hard to find genuine people who are willing to tell the truth. When you do find them, you have to hang on, unless you like hearing lies, in which case ignorance is bliss. Well, it’s bliss until you fall flat on your face because you tripped over your own inflated ego.

So here’s the point: Say what you need to say (thank you, John Mayer) and open up to the possibility that you just might learn something in the process.

Enough said

2008-08-11T12:28:00.001-07:00

Faith has to do with things that are not seen and hope with things that are not at hand.
--Saint Thomas Aquinas

Straw paper stuffer

2008-08-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

So, I've been thinking. . .I know, stop it. . .that people are really stupid. I mean really really really stupid. I am consistently amazed at how long I have lasted in the field of customer service. I really have no tolerance for people who have their heads stuck in their own rear ends.

During our most recent tropical storm, Edouard, the true idiots came out to play. Our little corner of the state didn't recieve nearly a fraction of the impending doom that the media predicted (that's another rant for another time). All of the Houston-area, with the exception of our little municipality, was shut down. Nothing was open or operating. However, we still recieved calls from people in the height of the storm wondering if their garbage would be picked up. Uh. . .yeah.

That wasn't even the best part of the day! There is a drive through window in our office for payments. A woman drove through and asked me if I could locate the trash trucks for her because she had her garbage in the back of her car and she wanted to take it to them. I mean, seriously, what is wrong with people?

It would be great if someone could explain to me why the general population is so self-involved to be so oblivious to common sense (of which I have very little making the situation so much sadder). Since I don't see that happening anytime soon I guess I'll have to settle for the general public crazies or find a new job like stuffing straws into their wrappers. That would be great.

Greater expectations

2008-08-04T19:19:00.000-07:00

I wasn’t too long ago that I decided that people are just too hard to understand. The only person’s motives that I can fully explain are my own. . .well, okay so not all of the time but at least I have control over what I do. Recently, I have learned to completely let go of my expectations of other people and I am finding that I am much happier.

I can’t please people. I can’t even begin to try. I don’t expect people to please me all the time so it shouldn’t be expected of me, either. We all let someone down at some point or another. Guess what? It’s because we are human. Imperfect. Whether or not you think someone will regret a decision or if they choose not to accept your advice is not up to you.

I have a tendency to be a little meticulous and heavy handed when it comes to those that I care about. Truly, it is because I want the best for them but they have to want that for themselves as well. Instead of sitting idly by and watching people screw up, (because really, it‘s like a bad car accident. . .you can‘t help but look) I’ve learned to remove myself from the situation. I have a sick obsession for worrying for someone else when they don’t seem to care enough to do anything for themselves.

Learning to let it all go has been liberating. Learning to love who I am has been even more so. I am something special. We all are. Allowing relationships or circumstances that are beyond our control run us is self destructive and a waste of precious time. Life should be enjoyed. It’s up to us to allow ourselves the freedom to be who we are with no apology.

Short and sweet

2008-08-01T09:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes things just hit you right between the eyes. The good, the bad and the ugly. I love surprises and whirlwinds are not always displeasure because no matter what happens, everything always balances out. But I'm so tired of fighting insecurities and guarding myself against the dull ache of disappointment. I was once a very open person. What I thought or felt was on my sleeve for everyone to see but I am finding post-divorce that letting down my guard is harder than I thought.

The hardest thing about being so cautious is that there are people that I would love to trust. It's nice to believe in honesty but so hard to determine someone's motivation. Since I am so very direct and forth-right, it's a hard to believe that others can be so devious and that they often say things they don't mean to acquire some piece of me for their own gain. I do realize that in order to move forward I will have to learn to trust again, but for now the walls are up. I guess it's up to the right person with the right amount of patience to break them down.

Okay, so, now what?

2008-07-24T07:27:00.000-07:00

So after the perfect moments have come and gone. . .you know, the ones I’ll remember forever. . .I’m left with: Well, that was awesome but what happens next? Although I know what I want to happen, it’s never fun to accept the fact that what I want and what I get are two totally opposite things. But I suppose that’s how things are supposed to be if we are to truly have the best.

I am the least patient person when it comes to dealing with other people. At least, I think I am. I am not willing to sit and wait for someone to make up their mind and I want everything to happen yesterday. I make plans and I think of ways to make things happen faster but last night I learned that best laid plans can never be better than what fate already has in store. It’s those times that we just let things happen, when we stop thinking about them (okay in my case, obsessing over them) that they happen.

All of these perfect little moments are a preview of the best that’s yet to come. The future will not be flawless but it will certainly be better than the past. Yes, there will be rough stuff to deal with because it's life, but there will be several picture perfect moments peppered through out.

When lightning strikes

2008-07-16T12:42:00.000-07:00

There are always those moments in life that just seem perfect. It's as if lightning strikes and you happen to be standing there with a steel rod. Those moments are few and far between but they are never erased and they almost seem like a Hollywood creation.

I am learning to embrace these moments no matter the consequence, no matter how the situation will turn out. Sometimes it’s worth it just to feel like everything is right even if it is for just a little while. I’m not saying that we should live recklessly because it feels good, but we should at least attempt to live life to its fullest because it’s those little things that make the hard times easier to deal with. When something doesn’t go right it’s awesome to have those “perfect moments” to replay. There is no such thing as too good to be true. Granted things are not always what they seem but they are for a little while, even if it’s just in my head.

I refuse to live with regret and I can only look back to learn but must look forward with a hope for something better. There are some fond memories behind me but greater memories are lying ahead of me and I am determined not to miss out on them because I’m second guessing my decision. I have always felt that my life is segmented by events and it’s amazing to me to see the person I was at each point in my life and the person that I am growing into. I have to be honest, or conceited, and admit that I really like this person that I am becoming.

Oops, I did it again

2008-07-13T09:29:00.000-07:00

I was in the shower this morning and was getting out when I realized that I hadn’t washed my hair. My mind was so preoccupied that I didn’t even notice that I hadn’t done it until after I had turned off the water and grabbed a towel so I had to turn the water back on and get back in the shower.

As I turned the water back on, I thought, “Here I go again, over analyzing a situation I have absolutely no control over.” I have such a hard time learning that what is meant to be will find a way and just letting it go. I find that I let whatever is on my mind rule me and that can’t happen. I’m always so curious to know the why’s and how’s that I can never fully let go and just enjoy what life hands me. I can never just enjoy a moment because I‘m wondering what would happen next.

Sometimes it’s good to refrain yourself from doing certain things. Other times it is not. Either way, I’m always left with a sense of “what if”. I don’t want to live a life of regret and sometimes my thoughts and my restraint keeps me from doing what I really should have done. I spend more time weighing out the options than realizing what is in front of me at any particular moment.

I sincerely hope that I am not the only person who does this. That would mean that I am much more hopeless than I originally thought. That would be a sad state of affairs.

OMG!!! YOU'RE THE ONE!!!!

2008-07-08T10:38:00.000-07:00

I have been very sullen as of late, which is very out of character for me. I’m usually pretty happy go lucky but something has been plaguing me. It’s this “love” thing. My experiences with it have been muddied by different events. I’m not talking about love in general, but true romantic love. I know the unconditional love of my family and the love I have for my daughter, but the kind of love that chooses you. . .that’s what I just don’t get.

I do believe that I have been in love. I’ve been in various stages of love. Love created my daughter. But I have yet to figure out this can’t eat, can’t sleep, first thought of the morning, butterflies kind of love. I have to admit that I’m jealous of those who have it and I want to experience it. However, I’m not so desperate to have it that I will latch on to whoever crosses my path. I’ve noticed that guys don’t really understand that. They don’t understand that just because that’s what I’m looking for it doesn’t necessarily mean that after a few minutes of talking to you that OMG!!! YOU’RE THE ONE!!!! Nope. I’m waiting for lightning to strike.

There’s a saying that love is just a gamble and it is completely true. When you fall in love, the only thing you can be sure of is how you feel. You have no idea what the other person sincerely thinks or feels about you. Talk is cheap and unfortunately, too many people are out to take advantage of what you have to offer. Sometimes you win and sometimes the house takes it all. Is it really better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

Anticipation is killer

2008-07-07T20:10:00.000-07:00

I guess we all have those moments that we feel everything is slightly less than perfect. Lately, I have been feeling as though everything is just shy of being completely right. I don’t even really know what it is that I‘m missing. It’s like I’m waiting for something massively important. Anticipating this thing that I have no clue how to prepare myself for.

Sometimes I wonder if that’s what life is about. Waiting. Is that what we do? We wait for something big to happen. A conversation from Dazed & Confused continually comes to mind when these moods come upon me. It is a philosophical conversation. . .at least as philosophical as Dazed & Confused can get. They discuss how everything is simply preparation for something else. But what we are preparing for? Mike in all his optimism states that we are only waiting for death however, that’s not exactly my sentiments.

There are things that I enjoy and things that I continually work on. I consider myself under construction. I have learned a lot about myself as well as people around me. But what I can’t understand and what really gets under my skin is this feeling that I’m missing out on something that is so obvious. Like not wearing shoes to work.

I suppose that when the pieces all come together you just know. Like you just know when you’re missing something. Don’t get me wrong, I am certainly content with the way things are, but there is something out there that’s waiting just for me.

A work in progress

2008-07-04T11:26:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, I went over to a friend’s house and was amazed at how clean and organized everything was. I thought this was due to company but later, upon a unplanned visit, I realized that it was always that way. I was really impressed because as the mother of a toddler, “clean” is a term open to interpretation. At any rate, this particular friend had some areas of their life that they felt was out of control and it dawned on me that the lack of control in one area manifested in an “OCD” desire to control their environment.

This little enlightenment on this behavior brought me to another conclusion. Sometimes there are things that we just don’t have any say in and trying to make up for it in other ways does not necessarily lead to happiness. Just because there was order in the midst of emotional chaos, it did not solve any of the real issues. Sometimes the only thing we can do is let it go and place it in the hands of God.

My true source of joy is knowing that these things that I can’t control are teeny tiny to God and that there is nothing He won’t handle for me. Soon enough, all of my disappointments and set backs are going to work together for the best and everything will be as it should. So until then, I will continue to grow into the person that God is shaping me to be.

I used to think that if I didn’t understand what someone’s motivation was, that they were just plain wrong for being that way. As I have gotten older I have had to learn to accept people for who they are. Doesn’t mean that I always understand, it just means that I recognize that I can’t change people. Learning to do that has really allowed me to accept myself.

We all have faults and tiny imperfections. Duh. But I’ve found that letting myself just allow people to be who they are, I am giving myself permission to be who I am. Although I try desperately to understand what motivates some people, it’s nearly impossible. Mostly because they themselves can’t always explain the why. However, the little light bulb does come on from time to time and I really enjoy the “sneak peek” into someone’s mind.

A time to read

2008-07-02T20:21:00.000-07:00

I’ve just finished reading Queen of Babble Gets Hitched. I began it this morning at the Doctor’s office (since I waited for two hours and watched two people wheeled out on stretchers which did not make me opimistic about my prognosis) and finished it at approximately 4:45 this afternoon. But the story was an interesting one, nonetheless. The author, Meg Cabbot, has an uncanny ability to show love in a real way. It’s not the creepy romance novel, swooping-her-hoop-skirt-over-her-head-in-the-barn kind of love. I mean, cause really, who does that?

Anyway, it illustrated a point through this story that has clearly manifested itself to me time and again. Love is not an easy thing. There are those moments that you will never return for anything, but love is never black and white. There are all kinds of shades of grey. Love makes you do stupid things. Love blinds you. Love makes you trust without the slightest hint of a second thought. And ultimately, love confuses us to the point that we don’t know what kind of love we’re in.

There are different kinds of love. The ones I have observed so far are: protective love, friend love, romantic love and parental love. Protective love is a tricky one. I find that it is the one most confused with romantic love and it is also the one closest to friend love. Protective love is where we feel that we must save someone from themselves. I am so guilty of this and I’ve had to learn to discern this love from the others.

The heroine of the book I‘ve read, which I completely feel for because I am totally like her in a lot of ways, is caught between the man she is engaged to, who is perfect in all kinds of ways but totally wrong for her, and his best friend, who genuinely loves her and all of her quirks. Of course, I’ve never been in that particular situation. I simply relate to the way she can’t keep her mouth shut and her love for vintage clothing, not that I have the money to purchase or wear vintage clothing. But anyway, her friends all tell her that it is clear she loves his best friend and that he feels the same way but she doesn’t listen. . .Isn’t that how it is, though? It takes a lot of nerve for friends and family to tell us what they really feel about the people we feel that we have fallen for. It’s not an easy subject to tackle. “Oh, by the way, you’re making a huge mistake. . .” Who wants to say that?

At any rate, all’s well that ends well. But to quote from the book, “Because as I know from my study of the philosophy of time, whatever is going to happen in the future is already unavoidable.” Try wrapping your head around that one on cold medicine!